Looking at the Brighter Side

I’m in love

I’m in love, which makes me happy. When you strip away complications and expectations, you learn to love what is available. And the little happy moments are when I feel in love. I’m in love with life and all of its beauty, potential, and possibility. No one can take that away from me. It’s something I can treasure forever.

Not Alone

There are a few things that happen when you become depressed.

1. Sefl-Victimization - You think you’re the only one experiencing this bad of a depression and you put on an “I’m ok” face in front of friends and family to hide what you’re going through. You tend to think you’re selfless by self-sacrificing to meet other’s needs and wants. 

2. Confusion - Your reasoning contradicts each other, making you confused as to where the light at the end of the tunnel is. Thus, making you believe that there is no hope (if you ever drop yourself deep enough in the downward spiral)

3. Self-Pity - You want people to reach out to you (whether you think it or not). You tend to want people to realize how depressed you are by giving clues here and there but not realizing that people won’t approach you the way you want them to until you directly tell them and ask for their help (whether if it’s just to be there as a friend and listen to you vent, or have them give you advice).

There’s probably more, but from my experience, I think that sums it up. 

For the past 3 years, I was struggling with the concept of “selfish”. I didn’t understand how someone can call another person “selfish” when that person calling people “selfish” is being selfish him/herself. Now that I think about it, I realized that I had that mindset because I was in a depressed state. I was victimizing myself by thinking I was doing everything for this one person and sacrificing my needs and wants for him. In reality, I was being selfish for being self-sacrificial because I never relied on him by talking to him about my problems and assuming that he would get it. When he didn’t get it, I thought he was selfish. But how can any third party understand what I’m going through in my head unless I openly talk to that person about it? And pushing people away because you don’t want them to know the real you is just another way of being self-sacrificial and in the end “selfish” for not allowing people who care about you into your heart but expecting other people to open up to you and let you give them advice.

In the end, I look back and realize how selfish I was and it’s funny looking back because I was running around in circles within my little bubble. The world is bigger and people are greater than we initially think. People go through similar but unique struggles and they overcome different hurdles. The reason why humans cannot be alone is because humans are social animals and two minds can do greater things than just one. Alone, we get confused; but by talking to another person, you acquire so many benefits, such as: 1. discovering that you’re not the only one experiencing struggles that run deep, 2. boosting your own self-confidence by sharing experiences and helping others by advising them how you overcame certain hurdles, 3. getting advice to overcome other hurdles that were difficult to you, and 4. bonding with someone and establishing a meaningful friendship.

To sum it up, to treat depression is to talk to friends and family who you know have the right mindset (perhaps someone going through similar experiences as you are but is working hard to overcome struggles). Someone who doesn’t get you won’t work but for others who’ve experienced similar struggles will help. You’ll establish a perfect social support group and you’ll discover that talking to someone and encouraging one another will make finding the light at the end of the tunnel easier. In the end, your road to happiness is up to you. You need to take that initial step, whether if it’s making the decision to talk to someone or realizing your flawed thinking and changing it to help you become a better person. “You are not alone.” It’s okay to rely on people to help you take that next step. Just talking about your feelings that have been pent up can relieve some stress. Having a great support group will relieve even more stress. And changing your mindset to positive will be the ultimate jump start to a happier you.

Sad and sick

:’(

To run or to stand strong

Sometimes it’s a necessity to experience conflict in order to realize the ditch you’ve dug yourself. For 25 years I have lived at home where I have grown to feel comfortable staying away from drama by avoiding it. I’ve developed a feeling of content by being ok with staying in and not calling other people to hang out. I have allowed myself to watch hours of television just so that I could focus on other things besides my issues. I’ve become so content with this idea of running away from my problems that I have hidden the reasons as to why I am doing this from my consciousness. Arbitrary words like “trapped” and “sadness” would be the only clues as to why I hid my feelings away. And later, i’d only find myself investigating logical ways of digging myself out of the rut i’m in without any idea why and how I got myself in there in the first place.

I can work out these problems by myself and in my head as long as I want to but rationalizing by yourself about subjective experiences can only cause greater confusion and higher likelihood of getting deeper into the rut. I have felt crummy for the past 2 years. The only thing that has enlightened me to understand my problem were my friends. It took 3 events: the high chance of being able to move out (breaking down my barriers of my comfort zone), talking to Jon about the small problems, and being and feeling left out of a group of friends (discovering the “big” picture). These events led me to a swirling roller-coaster of feelings and allowed me to find reason and emotional stability. Funny how these chain of reactions can trigger an enlightening experience.

Although I don’t know what will happen in the future and I can’t be certain how people will react, I know confronting the problem is the right thing to do. It’s easy to run but it doesn’t resolve anything and, for many times, makes things worse.

I’m absolutely scared of what may happen, but feelings of doubt, frustration, and worry will never disappear if I ran from my feelings. Past experiences do not always foretell future experiences. Now to see if he will meet my efforts.